HUMOR

But not without my sense of humor

Photo by Karsten Winegeart on Unsplash

Several weeks ago, a Russian hacker got into my Facebook account and assumed my identity. Why he/she/they or anyone for that matter would want to be me is beyond my comprehension.

I’m a white-haired grandmother living with my ninety-six-year old mother, my handicapped husband and my eighteen-year-old granddaughter.

My mother forgets what I’m saying before I finish my sentence, if she even hears me.

My granddaughter is brilliant at everything. She’s even performing science experiments with cups of coffee by lining them on her desk and seeing how long until the liquid becomes a solid.

My husband bought a day-glow…


And might have in today’s world.

Photo by Alina Grubnyak on Unsplash

The summer before junior high, I had a love affair. Well, as much of one as you can have at thirteen. Jack moved into the house a few doors from ours. He was tall, handsome and funny. And for three entire months, he was all mine. We swam. We sat on his front porch listening to music. We told each other silly jokes. He wasn’t the first boy I ever kissed, but he was the best. And I would have done anything for him.

Then school started.

Because he was tall, handsome and funny, he was snatched up by the…


To be honest, I have no idea

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Well, that’s not exactly true. I know how, but not why.

It happened because after almost two years, one of my pieces took off and has been read by almost ten thousand paying members.

This particular piece was turned down by several publications before it was accepted and for the first month it earned mere pennies.

And then…it soared through cyberspace catching the attention of thousands of people.

I didn’t plan it. I didn’t see it coming.

But now, I’m thinking differently. Was it the title? The topic? The story? Luck? Timing?

Could it be the alignment of the stars…


Fortunately, I didn’t have to honor her wish.

Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash

While driving my thirty-something daughter to her surgery a few years ago, she looked at me with her jaw firmly set and her eyes displaying a fierce intensity and said, “If I die on the table…”

“That’s not going to happen,” I interrupted, holding up my hand. “It’s knee surgery.”

But then again, when going under anesthesia, anything can and does happen. Of course, I kept this thought to myself as my mind went off to that sentimental place where images of my family are stored.

I waited for her to continue. I expected her to say, “Tell my children…


HUMOR

How we overcame our condition, one lick at a time

Photo of Ziva taken by Janie Emaus

My black lab, Ziva, has no concept of personal space. I’ve been told she has separation anxiety.

She lies in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, prohibiting easy movements on my part. I have to walk around her while carrying plates of food, coffee cups or serving dishes.

“Can you please move?” I ask, nudging her gently.

“I like watching you,” Ziva says.

She crowds me off the couch, nestling into my body while I’m reading. I give her gentle pushes, but she won’t budge. …


My proposal took place behind a ticket window

Photo by Markus Winkler on Unsplash

“Will you marry me?”

A handsome young man gets on his knees on a beach towel, pulls his girlfriend close to his side and points to the sky. Overhead, a plane tows a banner asking her the Big question.

A contestant on a talent show is waiting to hear the judges’ comments when her boyfriend walks out, gets on his knees and opens a tiny box displaying a sparkling diamond.

A sky diver pops the question while freefalling to the earth with his girlfriend.

Meanwhile, lurking off to the side is a friend waiting to record the entire marriage proposal…


HUMOR

One crunch at a time

Photo by Sandi Mager on Unsplash

It appears the Grape-Nuts Shortage is over.

For those of you who do not appreciate the crunchy quality of a good Grape Nut to awaken your taste buds each morning, you probably aren’t even aware there was a shortage.

Unlike when the shelves were void of toilet paper, altering our commode behavior and wiping us out in search of those precious squares.

But there was.

For months I searched the cereal aisles of the various markets at which I shop.

November- No Grape Nuts. Flakes, yes, but not the original nut. December- None.

2020 departed, thankfully.

2021 brought the vaccine…


Humor

Or maybe there is just too much rattling around inside my brain

Photo by Joshua Sukoff on Unsplash

I woke up this morning with the full intention of writing a well rounded piece. You know, where there is grabber beginning, a meaty middle and and one of these “yes!” endings.

But when I got to my computer I was bombarded with so many ideas and none of them seemed to stick.

My daughter’s drug recovery would make a great, uplifting story.

The adoption of my youngest grandchild would be heart-wrenching.

Or I could write something fluffy — a piece about emojis. Or how my breath smells inside my mask. …


Is it possible?

Photo by Alex Wigan on Unsplash

Jumping out of an airplane. Running with the bulls. Skiing down a black diamond run. Bungee jumping. Riding a roller coaster.

For some people, the above could be on their bucket list. For me, they are terrifying activities. I have sworn to never, ever have my name appear in the same sentence as one of the above said life’s challenges. And up until last year, pre-Covid, I have been true to my “non-participation” declaration.

But there I was at Disneyland, The Happiest Place of Earth, facing one of my fears: riding a roller coaster. …

Janie Emaus

Janie Emaus is an author/blogger. ON SALE NOW! Latkes for Santa Claus. https://www.amazon.com/Latkes-Santa-Claus-Janie-Emaus/dp/1510759883/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?

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